I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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