Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
