I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize