I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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