I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize