i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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