my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
