I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
