As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
