mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
