we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize