I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i think i have herpe
just one?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
