I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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