It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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