Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
