those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
