I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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