new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
