I'm so fucking centered right now
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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