I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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