This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The power of my boobs compel you
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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