I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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