I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
