just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize