he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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