These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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