She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
