cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
