i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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