As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
