he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
