Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
