I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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