we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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