3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
