Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
