"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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