some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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