i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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