y did u give ur computer a hand job?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
