if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
