Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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