I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
