i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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