I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
