i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
