Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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