My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Who did Billy Mays play for?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
