I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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