All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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