Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
