oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
