what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
as a side note pls kill me
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
