Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
