I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
