I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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