I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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