she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
