enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
