guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
