Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
