I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
