I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
