1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
