Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
